home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Satanic Rites 4
/
Satanic Rites - Issue 4 (1993-05-29)(Destiny).adf
/
Learnest
/
Learnest
Wrap
Text File
|
1990-01-05
|
10KB
|
214 lines
}0a0000m8eb0n8de0ofcb0ld34
{f Learn to play the Nirvana way
{g ----------------------------------------{a
{a Written entirely by {cScourger {aand {cNuffle {aof DESTINY
{n This text is a small but comprehensive course for any would-be headbanger.
It features answers to all the hows,whats, and whens in the world of heavy
metal. Let's start with the basics:
{f1.0 {a- The basics.
{f1.1 {a- Genesis
{n First, you'll have to gather together some people crazed enough to jump from
a 5 metres high stage into a wild crowd of headbangers without anything
resembling fear. {gExempli gratia:{n any member of DTY, Colombian judge or
people who still think that Paragon is active. Examples of groups with IQ
less than the average of the Satanic Rites editorial team: Napalm Death, The
O-men, Kung-Fu girls, Masters of Møh, LSD, Spaceballs, Grapevine Editorial.
{f1.2 {a- The image
{f1.2.1 {a- Hairstyle and clothing
{nGather all the members of your band and make them look like real musicians.
We'll start from the top with the hair. It must at least reach the shoulders,
but preferably to the middle of your back. The clothing must be as tasteless
as you can imagine. Exampli gratia:Basket shoes, two different coloured
socks, bermuda shorts, an awfully coloured t-shirt and a cap, hat or something
else, on your head. Examples of groovy clothing and hairstyle: William A.
Doyle (Guns'n Roses), Kurdt Kobain (Nirvana)
{f1.2.2 {a- The Behaviour and Linguistics
{nYou and your fellow band members will have to develop your behaviour and
language a lot before you qualify for an MTV music award, so let's get
started:
{e1.{m You must {cALWAYS {mlook like you're high on something, preferably cocaine or
heroine.
2. {mSwearing is recommended. Common expressions:fuck,fucking hell,fuckyou...
Almost all word can be converted to swearing but remember to include
the word {fFUCK {mor {fFUCKING{m. Without this you won't be interviewed by neither
TV nor any music-magazine.
{e 3. {mAlways antagonize the {nauthorities {mwhenever you're appearing in public.
{e 4. {mDeny all scandal-rumours but do not deny you really are a sado-machosistic
satanist with several manslaughter-convictions on your record.
{e 5. {mMake sure the newspapers know all about your {lscandalous behaviour.
{nIf you follow these simple rules for a heavy metal-musician you'll either get
in jail or hit the billboard chart at number 1 or both. Examples of "good"
behaviour and language: Axl W. Rose (Guns'n Roses), Ozzy Osbourne, Alice
Cooper etc.
{f1.3 {a- The Music and Concerts
{f1.3.1 {n- Designate Roles
Well, everybody in the band can't be the vocalist. Here is a tried and
tested way to find out who is going to do what:
First find out who can speak more than 3 words per second and shout at 132
dB for 10 seconds without a break. This person is going to be the singer.
Another prime requisite for the singer is a good physical condition. He must
be able to whitstand the enormous physical pressure a vocalist in a heavy
metal band has got (especially when it comes to stagediving, jumping into/on
the drumkit.). The vocalist role can be combined with other roles like
piano/keyboard-player or guitar-player. Examples of good singers are:James
Hetfield (Metallica)
The person with the strongest arms is going to be the drummer. If none of
the band-members have got any strong arms you can rent a 80 kilo beef from the
local music shop(pe). Easy enuff. Examples:Dyret (Life...but how to live
it), Lars Ulrich (Metallica), The drummer in Muppet Show (he's raw!)
Then, it's up to the person who knows anything about music(eh.. what's
that?). Obviously, this person has extreme knowledge of heavy metal. He must
have the ability to know the names of - 5 - bands within the metal genre, no
more, no less. Apart from playing bass-guitar he is going to write the music
for the songs (see "the Songs"-section). Examples: Duff McKagan (Guns'n
Roses)
The total mindless one of you humble metal-musicians will be honored with
the role as a guitar-player. You better hire a studio-worker to mix the
guitar-riffs at the studio. A prime requisite for the guitar-player is good
strength in the legs and arms. After all, he's giong to jump up and down
whole concerts, and not to forget... perform the special Nirvana-grip.
Important note:The exemplary guitar-player must not reveal his face behind a
impressive collection of hair. Examples: Annie One
If there still are some dudes hanging around... let them be your
equipment-crew. Errm... equipment-slaves.
{f1.3.2 {n- The Songs
These are collections of notes and words that makes no sense at all. The
notes should be taken care of by the bass-player. If he's not clever enough
then give him the boot... pronto!
The lyrics are a bit trickier. Buy a lot of alcoholic beverages and a
tape-recorder. Let the singer consume the beverages before a rehearsal.
Then, when the rest of the band start to rehearse the songs written by the
bass-player. Kick the singer in the stomach and let him vomit over the
recorder. Nobody will hear the diffference when you're playing live anyway
because the volume on the amplifiers are too high too hear anything at all.
Remember to record the whole rehearsal so that you can convince the record-
company-suits that YOU are the new Nirvana.
{f1.3.3 {n- The record
Take with you your tape and go to the nearest record company's offices Good
companies are:Sony Music, Warner, Geffen, Polygram, Sonet, e.t.c.... Make
sure that you get a contract with you when you leave. And, the annual income
you'll get exceeds a couple of millions (just for that mega-star feeling)
Then, shortly after this seance you'll be going to a studio where your new
album is going to be mixed. Endavour by releasing it on a world-basis.
{f1.3.4 {n- The gigs
Now that you've achieved success you're ready for the real world of heavy
metal: the concerts. Now we're approaching the part of heavy-rock that's
hardest to do. But, thy shalt not cry, we've fixed it for you. With Satan's
help you'll manage to entertain the largest crowds of headbangers at huge
stadiums like Wembley.
{fHow to hold a concert in front of 50.000 people
{g-----------------------------------------------
{fSolution 1
{d----------
{e1.{f Bring with you as much audio-equipment as 50 trailer-loads can carry.
{e2. {fPut all your equipment on stage
{e3. {fWhen all the fans have got into the concert area
{e4. {fWait for three hours, then send the support-band on stage and tell
tell them to "play" some "tunez"
{e5. {fAfter the supportband have done their "best" you enter the stage
and start to test your equipment. Say this phrase continuously while
you test your mic.: "One, two, testing, testing"
{e6. {fThen you're ready to fly......grab a couple of beerbottles and consume
until you've reached the state of intoxication.
{e7. {fThe vocalist starts to slag off the authorities and how much he hates
everything...
{e8. {fStart to "{gplay{f" -See special tricks section
{e9. {fWhen you haven't got any more equipment left leave the stage by jumping
into the wild ecstatic crowd of fans.
{e10. {fEnd of the concert....
{f
Solution 2
{d ----------
{e1.{f Cancel the concert.
{e2.{f Get police to drive you home in case of riots in the streets.
{e3.{f At the press conference, choose one these excuses:
{a 1.{g Sore throat.
{a 2. {gHad an appointment with your phsycologist.
{a 3. {gRecieved the latest issue of Satanic Rites.
{a 4. {gDidn't care.
{a 5. {gHad a date in Upper Volta.
{a 6. {gHad another date in Undi Burundi.
{a 7. {gAcute attack of xenophobia.
{a 8. {gSuddenly a flying pink elephant passed by.
{f1.3.5 {a- Special tricks when playing live.
{f The Nirvana-grip
{d ----------------
{aThis trick is for guitar-players only. You lift the guitar above
your head and slam it into the scenefloor. The guitar may go
beyond repair but there's no riff that can make to fans get so
wild as they are when you're taking the Nirvana-grip!
{f New variants of the Nirvana-grip.
{d ---------------------------------{a
Take your instrument, toss it high up in the air, and, when it comes
down due to Newtons laws of gravitics catch it on your -head-.
{f Stage-diving
{d ------------{a
The new international sport at concerts everywhere.
{e1.{f Lesson:{a Start with a not-so-high scene.
Make sure that there are loads of spectators beneath
you and make sure that they won't move away when you
dive. Otherwise you may have to pay the hospital a visit.
Dive into the crowd and hope desperately that you'll land
on someone. If not, tough luck!
{e2.{f Lesson:{a This version of stage-diving is more advanced but you're
actually not diving but you're more like jumping into the
drum-kit. Watch MTV Music Awards for inspiration.
{e3. {fLesson:{c WARNING:{a This is not tested! Jump from the loudspeakers.
This may cause a light headache. Swallow a couple of
pain-relieving pills before you're about to perform to
remove the pain. Jumping from a high altitude may also cause
breakage of limbs. We all remember the concert Pearl Jam
held in Oslo where a person managed to get his arm broken by
the means of stage-diving.
{e Microphone-thingy:
{a The microphone-thingy is the construction of metal where the
microphone is strapped. This can be used for various acts.
Popular uses are: toss the thingy on the audience, slam it
into the loudspeakers/amplifiers/anything or anyone on stage.
{n This are just the basics of how to become a heavy-death-metal-speed-thrash
rocker. Follow the instructions and you'll qualify for the billboard next week.
If you have any problems don't forget to contact your international union at:
{e Association of Satanic Rockers
C/O Merkool McAber
PO Box 13
7130 Brekstad
Norway